Whispered Words

Words...

2011-04-23T18:50:00.002-04:00

It's the day before Easter and I have been baking all day. Everything seems to be coming out well.

On other topics...it seems my online dating experiences are about to get a little more interesting. An older man over 10 years...has grabbed my interest. Still am not sure how I feel about the difference in age, considering where I am in my life. Guess we will see, I hope to meet with him again soon.

In yet another topic. School is going well and it looks like I will be making the full effort to get into the RN program for January. Wish me luck!

Happy Easter!

XO

life...

2011-03-31T22:23:00.002-04:00

I am pretty sure since the age of 13 my life has been nothing but complete ups and downs. Finding happiness, finding sanity, finding love, has been such a never ending game. When can I call a truce with this game...I give, I get it...I always gave up on games. Never once did I complete a real round of Monopoly. I can remember playing Life, and finding an excuse to quit! I never learned how to play poker, gin, or black jack...go fish and 52 pick up is as close to a card game as I have ever gotten!

Things didn't work out with William from New Hampshire. He became clingy, obsessive, and plain CREEPY. It was like he changed over night and completely lost himself...I kept trying to get him to realize this. Even bluntly telling him. Of course nothing seemed to have an impact until he made me cut the cord. That was not a happy day, but it felt like a 1000lbs was lifted from my shoulders.

On other news, a single mother of 2 who goes to college full time and is trying to run her own business does not have the time or the know how to meet eligible men close to my age who can be considered some what normal.

I guess it is silly that I still have thoughts of meeting the "right" one. Not even sure if I even know what that is anymore...Often I figure maybe single is how I am meant to be.

The one guy who loves me is a creeper! And every guy I meet seems to be a loser! Stating that seems to make being a single the better choice!

xxoo

Lady Antebellum - Never Alone - Lyrics

2011-03-31T22:21:00.000-04:00

www.balancedtherapy.com

2010-10-18T08:16:00.003-04:00

Life sure can be interesting....

I may not be worth a whole lot, but I can tell you I have friends worth their weight in gold. School is still in full swing, and seems I am opening my own business. It is going slow, but the office has new floors and a fresh coat of paint. Slowly but surly...

Looking to be officially open by the end of November. Website in progress, links into the net world established...now to work on the links in the real world!

Knock, Knock, world...here I come!

xxoo

2010-09-07T07:12:00.002-04:00

This time it has been too long....

William has moved to FL. Still adjusting to that, currently we live apart and that is working well. I started a new semester in school and moving along very well.

My life is in-between and perhaps at a cross road. I wonder what is the right choice for me and if I am moving in the right direction. Perhaps my mid-life crisis is happening at 31....

What I want is my own office, as a LMT/EST...and eventually Yoga too. I am currently going to school for Registered Nurse...Which I plan to continue for. But in the mean time would getting out on my own be such a bad idea? Currently as a LMT/EST I am an independent contractor and have to worry about all the BS already. Only difference would be the bills involved like rent/electricity/water/insurance/and advertising (which is not done at all currently!)....If I think just about me, and get something tiny and cheap...I can grow later, maybe find a month to month lease? or just a year? Or go bigger and plan on finding other LMT's that might want the same thing I want and work together....

A lot to figure out...one day I am in a mad rush, then the next I am thinking take your time do things one careful step at a time.....

STRESS!

xxoo

2010-07-19T21:35:00.002-04:00

So it has been a minute...William has a job transfer and moves July 31st.
I just completed my last final for the summer semester and will find out my final grade tomorrow. I did achieve a 99% in my A&P LAB course.... GO ME!! The Lecture class is where I will be waiting for grades to post.

Other then that I really am feeling anti-social...

Just gunna jam out and sort some things...

Been a while...

2010-07-03T15:43:00.002-04:00

So William must be on try 3 since I last wrote....This one looks good. He had a second interview and his current boss has been trying to help him as much as he can. So something eventually has to work out, he has opted in for two other positions as well.

My little man, Xavier has been in PA with his dad for about 3 weeks now...only one phone call. He is only 5 and I am really feeling like he doesn't need me... :(
I text every day to have his dad tell him I love him, he usually responds back with "I love you". I try to raise my kids to be independent, guess I am doing too well!!!

My older son, Romeo is no better. He has his own cell and is only about 10 minutes away and has only seen/talked to me once...He is busy going to friends houses and being social. It has been like having no kids...I can tell you I have saved a bit of money and it is so nice to go shopping and not end up with extra food/clothes/toys/candy to argue about!! LOL

But I miss them terribly so!

I have started Yoga, and happily so. Bike riding was going very well until the rain! I was going about 3 days a week pushing 10 or 20 miles each time out. So far this week I have not been able to go...it is raining like crazy!

I leave the 8th to visit William. Only for a few days as I can't be away for long because of school.

BTW..school is going okay. I have two more test in Lecture A&P and One in Lab A&P. Really gotta kick it up in lecture! Wish me luck! I NEED IT!

xxoo

2010-06-06T18:59:00.002-04:00

So, still waiting about chance number two for William. He is hoping to get an interview this week. So am I!

On other news, My bike riding didn't pan as out as I hoped this past week. This week looks like I will have some more free time, which is good and bad. But I plan on using that to bike ride!!!

I am also trying to learn how to meditate. Something I think I will have more time to do after Xavier goes to visit his father. I really need to learn how to relax, let go, and just be ME!

Positivity! Going to figure out how to focus on that, build on that, give and receive it!

xxoo

2010-06-01T21:40:00.004-04:00

Try number 2 has just shown up today for William. He is happier about this opening more so then the last...Which is good. I am looking at it this way....this is better then the last, and if by chance isn't the one, that means the next will even be better. So its a win win as far as I am concerned!

OKAY UNIVERSE....I am listening, so I hope you are too! xxoo

Been in general a little bummed out this past week or two. Xavier will leave soon to go visit his Dad... I keep telling myself this time I will take the time and be productive...lots of biking (lose that weight!, get a massage (way over do), of course kick butt in school... and save money like mad! And clean and organize that darn storage unit! LOL....

School is just about over for the kids. Going to be a long summer....I hope we all get to enjoy it!

xxoo

2010-05-22T14:47:00.002-04:00

Forgot to mention that the opening for William was already designated for another person. So that opening was a bust... :(

Communication is a big obstacle for him. Suppose that could be seen as just your typical male...But really excuses like that do not really fly with me. So with my decision to be with William is also my choice to figure out how to over come this barrier between us. I have discussed this with him and he realizes this is an issue. We both feel the fact we are not actually part of one another's everyday makes it hard to understand things like we would like to. So moving forward....

His birthday is coming up in June...I want to send him a box of things that will make his day. Especially since I can't be there. So far I have ordered from VW a really neat pull over hoodie and a zip up hoodie! I hope they shrink a little, currently they look too big for him! I also found a lapel pin that is the VW rabbit! So cute...lol. And I have a few shirts I am looking at and debating about too. Kind of have been on a spending spree and I really need to pull in the ropes. I think it helps me deal with the stress of Xavier leaving to go to his dads for 6 weeks this summer.

So on that topic Xavier leaves June 13th. I am upset and worried but know he will have fun and it should allow me to get things planned out and save money! Also should allow me to ride my bike more and really lose some weight! 10 lbs would be nice!!! Also with my A&P class I should be able to buckle down and get to business!!!

When he comes back I want to have plans for fun things...Really want to make camping plans....which with this oil spill I have no idea how that will pan out! Sea world, and Busch gardens is a must! Plus I want to spend the weekend on the beach too! Little cheesy hotel and all...lol. Big plans I suppose... Plus school shopping. Which I hope to get most done while he is away.

Both kids officially have savings accounts that they are responsible for. Xavier is taking great pride in writing in his deposits. I really hope my boys become responsible with money and learn how much saving it can benefit them in the long run.

In other news...myself and my children are trying "The Secret", and the ideas and concepts that follow. Currently Xavier is watching it on his ipod...Romeo has watched the movie and is currently reading the book as well. Thanks to a friend who gave me a audio copy, I really am hoping it can do my family and I some good. Seriously need some self improvement and positive paths to focus on.

Moving forward...up and up.

xxoo

exactly.....

2010-05-12T22:25:00.001-04:00

Slight obsession with this song.....

2010-05-09T21:10:00.002-04:00

2010-05-09T19:15:00.002-04:00

So life is constantly changing. William has a shot at getting a transfer. There is an opening here in town. Which means he would work close to where we live and it would be a easier commute. The decision for him to move I take with a heavy heart. He says he wants to move, he has family here, and this past winter was really hard to get through. But in the end the real reason he is moving is because of me. I question our relationship rather often. Not because I do not have feelings for him, but because of how big our differences are. We are oil and water. He tries so hard though, it means a lot. Which also means I need to give him a break too. Long distance stuff is hard. I long for him almost every minute of everyday. But wonder how things will change when he is close enough for me to see him whenever I want. There is a huge comfort in the amount of trust we have for one another. Something I have never truly had with anyone.

Life can be so interesting as it bounces us so.

xxoo

My trip to N.H

2010-05-09T19:11:00.002-04:00

Breath taking....I wish I would have taken more pictures and spent more time there. The town William lives in is super cute and reminds me of where I lived in PA. I loved every second of being there and I can't wait to go back.

Monday is THE BIG DAY!!!

2010-04-28T20:20:00.003-04:00

So far I am clearing A's in all mt classes...thank goodness! Monday is my math exit exam, which should be a piece of cake!

AND!!!!

I leave to see William as well. Super excited...

15 days...

2010-04-18T14:00:00.006-04:00

and counting till I visit William. This long distance stuff is for the birds! I think about him a lot, and also think about all the things that have to fall into place in order for things to work out. Is that even possible. We started at 49 as far as days till we see one another again, it has currently felt like those days have sped by quickly. Sadly I know the 3 days we actually see one another will go by even faster. We are already planning a trip in June(for his birthday) or July. My school and work schedule are so nuts its hard for me to make time to get away. Ideally I hope he has a job transfer by then!

On other topics, this semester is ending and school, work, kids are really starting to take their toll. I feel like I am in a rut and I really need to snap out of it. I have also come to the realization that I seriously need to start tending to my friendships. I am so overwhelmed with my own busy-ness that I feel like I am completely alone. There are a couple of friendships I truly miss, they are busy with their own lives too but I seriously want to start trying to touch base with them again on a more regular basis.

It seems I have deleted ppl out of my life, but that doesn't mean they are not still part of my heart or my mind. Strange how things happen...I hope they were for the best of reasons I suppose. xxoo

Amber

beep beep beep....xxoo

2010-03-28T16:43:00.000-04:00

xxoo

It's not perfect...so

2010-03-26T16:17:00.002-04:00

That is what will make it perfect.

It has perfect points, but far from perfect, therefore it is perfect.
If it was perfect it would be too good to be true, and we all know things that are too good to be true, are just that...TOO GOOD, TO BE TRUE! So they are happily un-perfect, which makes it perfect.

Rambling, I know. These are things I think of while I am driving my kids around town so they can have a life...lol.

I just got bumped from a movie date with my son cause the neighbors invited him. Which gives me no excuse to get my English Comp work done and my MLA essay on Frank O'Connor finished too! Though I totally wanted to see that movie! "How to train Dragons"...sad face. :(

homework...

xxoo

MARCH OF DIMES

2010-03-24T14:14:00.004-04:00

Of course I have more then one reason for doing this. And it would mean the world to me if I could meet and EXCEED my goal amount! 500 is the minimum I would like to collect. Its for a good cause, its for school, and I am excited about it!

Any and all help would be wonderful!

xxoo

Monday

2010-03-22T06:52:00.003-04:00

Monday already!

Totally a miss count, I want a stinkin' redo! This week I took off Friday, though I do have class and there is a 50% chance I might have to work Saturday morning....Why do I do this to myself. Its a tug of war between not wanting to say no to money, how dedicated my clients are to me which makes it hard to say no....and then my mind and body that say "take a break woman, you need it!".

I seriously have to work on my time management. I at up at 6 am today, so I figured after my oldest goes to class I would sit and have tea and toast and do a little blogging. "ME" time I suppose...but this just makes me realize how little "me" time I really have. 30 minutes, most spent on waiting water to boil...lol. 2 minutes till I need to be in the shower and getting ready for work/school. And 30 before I need to wake up my little one. So much for "me" time....

42 days, as of today until I see William again. I tease him constantly that he is in deep. I thought he would be super reserved, and hold back a lot...but I suppose when you have thought about it over 10 years and you finally have it in your hand you just put it all out there and hope for the best. I hope for nothing but the best as well. Personally I am rather pessimistic, and I am likely more guarded especially with him being so far away...which is likely good cause it keeps things at a certain pace. He is a complete comfort, in the fact I really do know him and do not second guess how he feels. Biggest attraction to him is honesty, truth, and the ability to be completely honest with things. Wonderful feeling to truly trust someone with no questions. Might be the first time in my 31 years....

times up...

Happy Monday! New week new outlook....

xxoo

2010-03-20T16:50:00.004-04:00

I promised my baby boy that I would rush home from work, no later then 1 pm. Upon my arrival and after having to tell clients they would have to book on another day that I was "booked" up...I get home only for him to beg to allow him to go to his friends house.

I didn't have much planned, but wanted to plan something with him. He hungers for friendship with his peers, and he enjoys the family next door. Which at times leaves me to feel very left out! I worry I don't spend enough time with him and with both my boys really. They are already so busy with their own lives and own agendas. Let me remind you they are only 5 and 11!....

AND THE WINNER IS>>>

2010-03-19T21:25:00.005-04:00

Apparently William won 2 tickets to Ireland on March 17th...and I am his choice traveling partner!!!

I have wanted to go there as long as I can remember! How amazing.

So he gets the girl, then 5 days later wins a free trip. Both if us have Irish heritage so this will just be amazing!

Hopefully in the near future I will have pictures I took all on my own. Looks like this summer or next summer will be the time frames we are looking at. With school and work for me it is kinda hard...But it will be oh so worth it!

xxoo

2010-03-14T21:32:00.001-04:00

Justin Nozuka - After Tonight (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Justin_Nozuka

....

2010-03-13T20:20:00.003-05:00

Friday 3/12/2010

2010-03-12T13:53:00.005-05:00

Not too much to say...

Good chance I will have more to say later...but right now this sums it up.

xxoo

Same _____ ....Different day....

2010-03-07T21:48:00.002-05:00

It is amazing how something can happen and change your view on things. How someone can make conversation and make you wonder about your own choices.

My mother, who is a RN for well over 20 years now, is against my choice to go to school for the same field. Or should I say settle for the same field. She insists that I continue and reach my masters degree. Which is already my plan...but hearing her describe the politics in the hospital that she works just really makes me wonder if I am cut out for that.

How do you know if your choice is the right choice? I love what I currently do, but physically do not feel I can do this forever, and really never know if the income will be enough.

I am enjoying school. Enjoying the process of bettering myself. Of moving in a forward direction. But worried once I get there I will be lost.

Guess there are worse things to worry about.

William is here...since Friday. Never been so nervous to meet a man before. Just going day by day....

Another thing I want to focus on on...having more fun. I really do not take enough time to just have a good time...and enjoy life. I don't want to wait, I want to do it now....Just a personal note. xxoo

xxoo

Trust

2010-02-22T16:56:00.002-05:00

Trust (definition by urbandictionary)

Putting your confidence in someone
forming a bond with him or her and
knowing that you can rely on them for anything.

A dangerous concept. Give into it and it will stab you in the back.

something human beings have trouble with......trust? what human can you trust....?

The inherent belief that humanity wasn't put on this earth to screw you over.

So Trust is a pretty interesting word isn't it. I Like to think it is a pretty direct word. I like to think that people I allow into my life will trust me as I am so willing to trust them. But sadly that is not the case. Sadly I often get the shit end of the stick when it comes to people. But ya know what...I just keep moving forward. Keep my morales and take the hight road.

Cause I am serious when I say...I am so not stooping down to your level.

And that is part of why I get to be so Awesome!

xxoo

Only help those...

2010-02-20T11:27:00.002-05:00

who help themselves!

Giving advice is for the birds. People never listen to you...even when they know you are right. The hardest thing is to watch a friend make a choice that will eventually negatively affect themselves and others around them. Not even learning from past experiences...glutton for punishment is a paramount term!

Things that cycle
1. TRASH
2. Bikes
3. wheels
4. ABUSE
5. ABUSIVE People
6. Anger issues
7. Did you see the reference to abuse

Read here...
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Scary that I have seen most of these issues in that relationship. I hope he makes a choice to rise above this and keep himself and his children out of harm.

Abuse can happen to anyone at anytime. It doesn't matter that you are male or female, strong or weak... it happens and you can choose to STOP it!

xxoo

....

2010-02-16T22:34:00.003-05:00

You cannot have me if you do not talk to me
You cannot touch me if you don't not feel me
You cannot hug me if you do not embrace me

You must be my friend to become my lover
You must adore me to eventually enjoy me
You must accept me in order to keep me

It is your words that will entice me
It is your touch that will tantalize me
It is your actions that will speak for me

My written words will bind me
My spoken words will abide me
My touch will confide in thee

Each sentence an emotion
Each emotion a step
Each step worth taking...

Drawing the line

2010-02-10T21:53:00.002-05:00

When do you do that. How do you do that. Will I know when to draw the line and realize maybe what I want is right here...Or maybe my confusion is asking if a line needs to be drawn.

I am currently happy being single. Though I won't deny I miss the kissing, more than anything. But I don't mind waiting for the right one. William is still floating about, but it is so hard. So hard to communicate with someone who can't fully communicate. Because of the distance my expectations are not very high. We may go days without talking because of his work, and I respect that. I don't stress the small stuff...he is suppose to be making a trip in March. But at the rate he is going it won't be to see me. Kinda feel like I am in a relationship by myself. Lots of factors I won't get into. I just keep telling myself...in March I will have answers. In March I will know more...in MARCH....But some days, I feel foolish. To be waiting, to feel obligated to behave. To spend every Friday and Saturday night home alone.

I need answers...do I really have to wait till March. Or am I trying to tell myself something now....

Dreams...

2010-02-04T12:00:00.004-05:00

Two days in a row I have had interesting dreams...disturbing kind of interesting.

I went a research some of the main things I can remember about them....

Ex Husband
To see your ex-husband in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable.

Son
To see your son in your dream, signifies your ideal, hopes, potential, and the youthful part of yourself. On the other hand, to see your son in your dream might not have any significance and is simply mirroring your waking life. The dream may also be a pun on "sun".

Sex
To dream that you are having sex with an ex or something that is not your current mate, denotes your reservations about embarking in a new relationship or situation. You may feel nervous about exposing yourself or currently feel a resurgence of those old emotions and feelings that you felt back when you and your ex were together.�Believe it or not, it is not uncommon for people approaching their wedding to experience especially erotic adventures with partners other than their intended spouses. This may be due to the intensity of your sexual passion with your fianc�. It also relates to the new roles that you will be taking on and the uncertainty that that may bring.

Home
In particular, to see your childhood home, your hometown, or a home that you previously lived in, indicates your own desires for building a family. It also reflects aspects of yourself that were prominent or developed during the time you lived in that home. You may experience some feelings or unfinished expression of emotions that are now being triggered by a waking situation.

Sad
To dream that you are sad, suggests that you need to learn from your disappointments and make yourself happy. Try not to dwell on the negative. The dream may be a reflection of how you are feeling in your waking life.

Man
To see a man in your dream, denotes the masculine aspect of yourself - the side that is assertive, rational, aggressive, and/or competitive. If the man is known to you, then the dream may reflect you feelings and concerns you have about him.

If you are a woman and dream that you are in the arms of a man, suggests that you are accepting and welcoming your stronger assertive personality . It may also highlight your desires to be in a relationship and your image of the ideal man.

So those topics are what I can gather from my dreams. Some what I can agree with the basis of these thoughts and ideas. Maybe I am just overly concerned with that. Just having similar dreams two days in a row...and I rarely remember my dreams even if I get enough sleep to have them.

Look up your own dreams at http://www.dreammoods.com/

xxoo

Color Quiz

2010-02-03T20:50:00.001-05:00

Amber took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

""Needs peaceful surroundings. Looking for relief ..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Catching up...

2010-02-01T21:35:00.000-05:00

Exactly what I should be doing. But I already turned the lights out and am just typing by the soft glow of my electronic child (laptop). I can happily say that I am more ahead then when I awoke this morning.

Topic change...

Ever notice how things happen in life to put you in a direction. A direction that as the events took place you thought/feel/felt/wonder/consider/(enter emotionally confused word here)/etc, that it was the right direction and just jumped for it. Only to seem to be still falling from that jump only to question if you could take a time out and reevaluate things.

Life can be so confusing, so mean...but so worth it.

xxoo

Normal

2010-01-31T13:13:00.000-05:00

Normal...seriously what is normal. Can anyone be considered normal. I think we all have traits that may be considered normal, and not so normal...and then crazy!

Crazy thinking, crazy actions, crazy everything.....

Most days I am sure I am normal...some days I am sure I am crazy!

Today I feel normal, but realize how crazy things are!

xxoo

Stress...

2010-01-25T09:37:00.000-05:00

Its amazing that such a simple word can cause so many issues. Of course we all deal with in different ways. I think I need to figure out how to deal with mine. Restless nights, jaw clenching, and lack of energy just are not the ways I want to go about my every day. I believe these issues reached their peak a while back when I went for blood tests....But everything came back fine. That's what they tell me...500 bucks later I sure as hell don't feel fine.

I suppose I have my ups and downs. There have been times over these last few week where I have felt better. I know I have a lot on my plate, but so does everyone else. I just have to manage things better. Make more time and stop wasting it. Actually get to bed a decent hour!

Classes are going well, I can be thankful for that. Though I haven't really done any work in 2 out of 3 classes! So I might be jumping the gun on that.

William officially bought plan tickets for a visit. That of course is both exciting and stressful. I should not think of the whats ifs...but as a women we always do. I honestly wish I had a shut off switch. I drive myself nuts! That's why ppl think women are crazy....WE ARE!

Off to class then work...then buckle down for some school work!

xxoo

A Memory...

2010-01-20T17:40:00.000-05:00

I am excited to "get" a memory and have it. It hasn't happen yet, but it will. And I can't wait to have that! I can't wait to have that thought that will make me smile on my worst day. I can't wait to have those emotions attached to that one moment and be excited about it.

....

2010-01-20T00:22:00.000-05:00

It's easy for you
My tears fall when no one is around
They do not fall on your pillow
They fall on mine, when I am alone
They fall when no one is looking
No one can hear
They fall in the shower...
to be washed down the drain
It doesn't bother you,
because you don't see my pain

2010-01-19T22:46:00.000-05:00

I guess I do not have a whole lot to talk about.

My oldest started tutoring for math today. I am amazed how some people can grasp that subject so well. Drum lessons and piano lesson went well for both boys. I am so proud of them. They are growing so fast...too fast.

Work has been pretty busy. Which is great, but I am running around like a chicken. From this to that, squeezing in this one or that. I can't keep up this pace and get school in order. Speaking of in order, I have a English paper I need to get going on. If I wait till this weekend I will have a few to catch up on. But perhaps the kids will be at my moms, and maybe I can get all that done! I feel like I am organizing everything but school. My closet, my office, my kids, etc...Think I am avoiding something....

Speaking of things I do to avoid my "to do list"...I kinda have an obsession with older music. Which often leads me to wander youtube, or itunes in search of random songs I catch on an oldies station. I love the beats, or lyrics...lyrics are big for me. When they can say what I want, when the words are heard to get out.

Rockin' The 954

2010-01-16T21:43:00.001-05:00

Celebrating my nephews first birthday...I almost forget my own two boys at that age. Now they are so big...stinky too! We had a wonderful time at Lino Country Safari. First time any of us fed a Giraffe! It was wonderful, a great way to spend the day for a child's first birthday!

(Note to self...add pictures asap!)

My weekend has been quiet. Finished math homework, but didn't get as accomplished on my other classes. I hope Sunday and Monday will be more productive. I feel good about this semester...feel like my chances of pulling another semester of A's is pretty high! Though ask me again tomorrow....;)

I am going to randomly try to write more. I think it will help me in my classes as well as helping me see my day to day BS in a different way.

Up Up and Away!

xxoo

...

2010-01-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

I want to feel desired.
To crave your words that express your touch.
Your scent, your taste.
I want to desire you.
To close my eyes and rehearse your words to have chills at those thoughts.
In days, in weeks, in months....
Now...
This day, this hour, this second. Desired...
I miss you.

William

2010-01-14T13:37:00.000-05:00

No visit as of yet...yes, very upsetting for me. But the forces that be may be, are possibly planning for a visit in March. It is such an emotional roller coaster. Not the roller coaster of my earlier years but the ones where I know the possible out come of each turn. I know what I can gain, or lose. I know the possible heartache and the unbelievable happiness. I want to take it all away and just enjoy it for what it is. To just take each aspect in without any concern for the what ifs!

Its been a long time since we saw one another. I often wonder if we are each others "one that got away". In theory he may be the "one I didn't know got away", if things work out I may be a little sad we weren't ready for one another 10 years ago. In all its short of a miracle that 10 years and 1500 miles two people can reconnect.

So, to enjoy my head in the clouds...maybe one day I really will have my happily ever after.

On the upswing, I panicked over my Eng. Comp class, but happily received a nice email basically telling me I was overreacting and I should hopefully do well in the class. Math is going well considering I likely have the best teacher ever. My Life Span class makes me feel slightly overwhelmed, the whole project thing makes me wonder where I will make time to complete this. I am sure as I get back in the groove it will all work out. Shooting for A's...no excuses!

Speaking of A's, I should be reading...not tapping away at my blog!

xxoo

Getting my MOJO

2010-01-12T17:17:00.000-05:00

It amazes me how often I write...just on paper and allow those papers to just be filed away. I wonder why do I not take the time to type them down and put it out there. More often then not I write and then actually throw it away. Crazy emotions, a step by step guide to the top...right into the trash. It is often at night in my tossing and turning that I have the best thoughts, thoughts I promise to write down as soon as I get up. Thoughts, phrases, rhymes, stories that I rehearse in my head until I fall asleep...never to think of them again.

A new semester has started. I already feel in over my head. Not as bad as my first semester, but the thought of "how the hell am I suppose to do this alone and still be the worlds best mom, best therapist, and SANE!" I know it all works out...nothing worth doing is easy...blah blah blah....seriously come wash my laundry...

I am busy at work. My clients are often a blessing. So encouraging, dedicated, and understanding. Without them I could not be doing this. They are literally my bread and butter.

To a new semester, and new dedication to my writing.

xxoo

What I do...

2009-11-22T18:14:00.000-05:00

I Write
all the turmoil
the hurt
the happy
Confusion
Frustration
Writing...
I write
Meet me here
In the middle
Match my words
With touch
Emotion
Meet my desires
In rapture
Writing
I write
To define single moments
Single expressions
Single heart beat
My words bent and formed
By your touch
speech
energy
I wait for it
I yearn for it
My body searches for it.

Lazy Blogger....

2009-11-15T17:43:00.000-05:00

Yup...that's me...

So, looks like I will be visiting William in the near future..maybe in December after Christmas. I am already slightly nervous, but it will be nice to have direction,and know if it is a true desire. I feel both of us have questions, even though he can seem so sure of his choice. Its still be like 10 years and maybe a good 6 since we have physically seen one another. Maybe what he remembers won't exactly be what he sees. I kinda hate that we haven't seen one another as of yet...I suppose I am impatient. Obviously he is not...after 10 years he must have the patients of a God! I just want to know if the whole thing is even possible.

Classes are almost over. Just a few more quizzes to take care of, and finals I suppose. I am pretty sure I am totally kicking ass! GO ME! I have an appointment December 1st to sign up for my next classes. I hope all goes well, next semester starts in January some time after the new year.

xxoo

And So Whatever!

2009-10-26T17:25:00.000-04:00

So it can take up to 3 weeks for my test results...yes I am still waiting! I blatantly told them "I could be dead by then!"...to which the lady of the phone kinda chuckled! I am not laughing.

Not feeling any better either...vitamins, probiotics, blah blah blah...Maybe I am just too busy, too much on my to do list. Though today I kinda laid around and didn't do a darn thing! I feel like a slacker...note to self, don't waste days in bed...ALONE...lol.

Anyways...I rocked out my midterm in Nutrition, B...okay I wanted an A...but I can be happy with a B too. Also trucking a long in my other classes. Think so far I can be pretty proud of myself.

So, the "Guy From the Past"...William..there officially stated. Will be planning a trip to visit soon...I am hoping real soon! Things are on the up and up with that whole thing I suppose. Still seems all too surreal. Adds spice to my life...keeps my mind busy and away from thoughts that usually make me sad. Though with the way my mind works I already anticipate the hard good bye at the end of his short visit.

I really need to find my mojo here soon...I am so tired of being tired. Maybe tomorrow I will start on the right foot and finally feel a difference!

Study time.

xxoo

So...

2009-10-20T06:55:00.000-04:00

I've really been slacking on my writing. Which is odd cause I have a lot to write about. Though it may have something to do with my huge lack of time! Blogging before 7am is not my norm.

Life has been normally hectic...barely on-time...maybe even behind in 3 out of 4 classes...yeah me! Promise to catch up today, starting about 1pm when I am back from work. Lets hope I can haul ass and get ahead!

Went to the doctors, had blood drawn last Tuesday...hoping today they have results. The doctor thinks maybe I am low on vitamin D...weird. Currently I am on b12, multi, probiotic and a script from her. Yet, I am still tired, to the point where I could fall asleep at any point during the day. It sucks! Still working on a healthy/healthier diet...whatever that is exactly! And side note...its not really 20 lbs that I need to lose, more like 10 and work on getting toned...

Oh...and "The Guy from the PAST"...Really might be part of my future. I find it hard to be patient, but I am trying to enjoy this part of things too. I was deleting emails on myspace...found one from in sent in june, and then noticed I posted on his picture in October 2007! So it really seems we were connected some how...Maybe, just maybe this is a possibility. Now to deal with the 1500 miles apart...lol. Looks like he might come here to visit. At some point he wanted to meet half way, which I do like the idea...though as we know its not like I have time to just go driving across the US. But still even if its not this time, we should likely plan that to happen.

Anyways~~

I just had my 31st Birthday. Kinda of a regular day...this year will be the best one yet! It can only get better....

agenda for today...
9am class
11am client
1 pm kick butt on studies
350pm Xavier from the bus stop
415pm Romeo to football
430pm Xavier to Piano
6pm Go to Romeos game
9pm home...I hope....

The kick butt on studies doesn't look long enough! Wish me luck!

xxoo

....

2009-10-10T01:41:00.001-04:00

Those eyes…

To see beyond my flesh

Searching within to capture those desires I rarely divulge.

Your touch…

Spine tingling

Grin of desire

Your scent…

Inhale conducting a dance of butterflies

Absorbing each piece of that moment

I relish all that is there to take

What is given is horded in pleasure

Raw emotion that carries me away

Lifting and begging to be repeated

In my mind I escape to absorb all that you give

My body trembles at the slightest thought

I engrave each touch to a memory

Random thoughts to an alluring experience

Cascades of sensation that puddles in drops of ecstasy

Getting my health on...

2009-10-07T06:55:00.000-04:00

So Today I start an "Organic Total Body Cleanse"...and a good multi-vitamin. Seems being exhausted all the time kinda keeps me from having motivation to exercise...and 20 lbs isn't gunna lose itself!

Should likely make an doctors appt...but gunna go to self chosen route first. Pretty sure I got a good nights sleep...feeling okay considering I haven't gotten ready for my day yet.

Today is going to be nuts anyways...2 chapters in my micro apps class due today! @ chapter in my psychology..and I really need to get going on my Nutrition class, plus I have an assignment due in math for Thursday! I really gotta find balance...I just hope no one calls for an appointment today. OH and how can I forget...gotta get my breaks done too!

So I am going to claim this as day one to a better me.

GO ME!

When it was easier...

2009-10-04T19:59:00.000-04:00

I find dating when I was younger easier..

At a younger age you seem to be more able to "grow together"...dating later in life gives you ppl you just have to accept as they are, they already did most of their growing with some one else...

Which is where it may seem I am being picky...but really I have just realize what I can put up with verses what I will not put up with.

As a teenager...you want to figure out who you are.

In your twenties you start to grow toward who you are and often grow to how someone else wants you to be, creating one another...

Come towards your 30's and older you pretty much are the product you will be and have little desire or knowledge to change that...Bad habits...look on life..etc.

Thankfully..I have come to terms with being single, and am happy with myself, or the "work in progress" of myself.

Life is good...life is crazy...but its my life...xxoo

Out of the Blue...

2009-09-30T22:53:00.000-04:00

Happiness...

Change in the weather...the way it gets cooler and things seem cleaner, crisp...happy.

And Bob and Bess, you are so true...I might not want to know what men think...lol. xoxo

But things are as usual changing, just when I give up...just when I make a choice to focus on other things...life changes. And maybe just once...life didn't hand me lemons...but gave me sugar first this time. Just maybe...

School is keeping me busy and I actually am enjoying math! Online classes are time consuming and I am not sure if I am learning anything!

My oldest son is kicking butt in football this season. I am so proud of him. He amazes me every day. His grades are top notch too!

My little one...has his first T-ball game this weekend! This should be interesting! His is finally getting his act together in school...Last week or two we had a football game and some little girl there knew him from school...she shouts!! "HEY MOM, THIS IS THE BOY WHO IS ALWAYS IN TIME OUT!!!" That was funny..and disheartening! But I think he is finally on track, as much as a little boy can be anyways.

Going to go enjoy the slightly cooler weather...as cool as it gets in Florida anyways!

xxoo

From The Past

2009-09-28T09:55:00.000-04:00

So a week or more ago I was reading online and out of boredom I read a yearly horoscope...

I WISH I SAVED IT...

Anyways~

The horoscope mentioned that someone from my past was going to "show up"...

oddly enough someone who has shown up here and there in my life over the past 10 years...kinda puts it all out there and has me wondering "what if"...

Is it possible for someone to long for another and not be ready to tell them...or wait until they felt they could pursue them to let them know? Can you live up to those expectations that they have held on to for so long? I am not 21 any more...I have kids now...I have to be a "grown up" these days...

I have no idea what men see... I wish I could see me they way they do....

Life is so crazy...so interesting...but crazy!

Send Me Back...

2009-09-17T15:02:00.000-04:00

you are where you are because you choose to be there.... plainolebob ...

Maybe I did in some weird cosmic way make the choices to be where I am right now...If that is true..send me back so I can have a DO OVER...lol.

Though I suppose I would not even want to do it all over...just the bad parts I guess.

When I think about it, there is always someone worse off then me..so I really should suck it up...but every now and then you just gotta throw yourself a pity party. And I know it will get better...because I CHOOSE it so.

And I have enough to be thankful for...and enough to work towards.

Thank you for the comment. Hope you are well.

xxoo

It's Done

2009-09-14T00:05:00.000-04:00

With the recommendation of a friend..I deleted my dating profile.

The dating pool was kinda murky...and rather shallow. Also with my schooling, work, tball, football, diet, piano lessons...I have no time to really give anyone.

So with some guidance I will focus on dieting 1200 calories...and get back into running! Throw myself into school...and focus even more on my boys.

Move forward...don't look back.

xxoo

Online Dating Theory

2009-09-12T20:06:00.000-04:00

Hmmm....Survey says...YES...

Meeting online..causal dating site nothing serious. Cute emails batted back and forth, few text messages...then

....the
....phone....call.

Some how...might be a joint effort...but it seemed to be close to two hours about...

yup...you guessed it...SEX. Causal, nothing serious...not really perverted, but perhaps inappropriate for a first time conversation.

Official guy friend verdict... STAY AWAY...

Of course I will see it play out and feel it out a bit longer...

So the theory will be sought out..

If a conversation is all about sex...then that is all he truly wants.

I will let you know....

My Randomness...

2009-09-09T08:40:00.000-04:00

If my emotions ran as deep as my thoughts,
If my thoughts were as strong as my will,
If my will was as easy as my touch,
If my touch as graceful as my kiss.

Emotions run deep...
Thoughts are strong...
Will is easy...
Touch is graceful...
Kiss is forever.

Dating Theory Number 2

2009-09-07T16:34:00.000-04:00

It is now stated and shall be reminded for here and after...that...

If he does not make time for you...he never will. And I can attest that if I don't make time for you, I really don't want time with you. Therefore, this will be proven as fact.

No arguments...this from now on will be fact and only fact. There will not be any loop holes, second chances, and dumb crap that really is nothing but a poor attempt at getting nowhere.

Personal reminder, he isn't that great anyways....

xxoo

The LAW of DATING

2009-09-04T22:15:00.000-04:00

The law of dating states...

That when you find someone you like, they will not out right tell you they feel the same. They shall wait until another man speaks his interest, then every guy you have talked to in the last few weeks will suddenly want your attention. And you never being sure how the guy you truly like, and now questioning how you feel...will try to entertain all these men via text, IM, email, and causal lunches...

The law of dating states... people are so screwed! and dating sucks!

And yet we all agree to join in!

WTF...

2009-08-31T23:19:00.000-04:00

SO I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. Like I really just took on too much between school, kids, work, kids sports, kids lessons!

WTF was I thinking.

I was thinking I am 30 years old and way behind where I would like to be. I was thinking I wasted 5 years with the wrong person and let myself go. I was thinking my oldest child is 11 and will need his own car soon and will need college money before I know it! I was thinking I have about 5 years to fix myself so my boys can have a mother they can be proud of.

I was thinking I can do this..because failing is not an option!

My current career...

2009-08-20T16:16:00.000-04:00

I love what I do. Not usually hectic, no one looking over my shoulder, telling me what to do...

And then that one walks in. The smelly after the gym, dirty feet...man/women...YUCK. Or the haven't showered in days and didn't think it matter person...

Well, let me tell you it matters!

You are getting a massage from a women who went to school and works hard to keep her career to support herself and her kids as best she can while she goes back to school. Have some human decency and wash yourself before you show up!

And for goodness sakes..TIP. It is what makes my hard work worth it. It says thank you for not being grossed out over my dirty toe nails, flaking scalp, and death breath! It says "I can't do your job, but I am glad I can pay you to do it for me"...

And keep it professional! I don't do happy endings, I don't want you touching your privates because I have to touch those hands! Stop using your hand to wipe your nose too...I really hate the thought of rubbing your crouch sweat and nose buggers all over your body and sadly on my hands!!!!

And I see bodies all day...I don't care if you are heavy, buff, thin, perfect or imperfect...its a body...keep it clean!

That will conclude my work rant...until I get into nursing...you may find later a school rant too!

xxoo

Single Mom Stuff....

2009-08-18T11:41:00.001-04:00

So I have been told by the 5 year old that I do not need to date because I have him.

Dating in general is not easy. From dating men with kids I have a whole new appreciation for men who are willing to date me considering I have two! And sadly most nights...heck every night I am home snuggled in bed laptop on my lap and child at my feet with his DSI. Exciting isn't it.

I really only meet men from "online". Which keeps me occupied enough. I have met many over the last 14 months. I feel I have been lucky in the fact the men I have met would make any women proud. Good careers, good with kids, doesn't expect my every second....But something is missing. Those butterflies, sparks...actually desire for that person. I have tried to "give it time", then I read something that suggested I "was settling"...I don't want to settle AGAIN!

It does take some work, hell... a lot of work to keep a happy relationship. I want someone who isn't afraid of a little work when the out come is bliss!

Did I mention dating sucks!

Divorce

2009-08-17T20:13:00.000-04:00

Is apparently not for the shy or faint of heart.

And it seems no matter how much I assume we should be grateful for what we accomplished together and its fair to split it...he is in a la la zone thinking I deserve nothing. But oddly how little he would have had if it wasn't for me...and my friends and family that helped us toget where we were. Oh how quickly one cheater can forget those simple details!

Its been 14 months...he has avoid and denied we were even married. stalled the divorce at every turn...until now. Until he meets some 19 year old "women he has always been searching for"...now he wants me to speed things up. I have wanted this since I left...sign already...go away already...stop whining about your lack of money to a single mom of two growing boys that works and is going to school...seriously I don't care how you don't have enough money while you are out drinking and smoking! LOSER....

I am really not bitter...sad...hurt...confused. Sorry...sorry I was ever blinded by love. Fooled into giving up everything I worked for and bamboozled into thinking he was an honest human being! But really I don't regret it. I let myself fall...and I loved it while it lasted! It never felt 100% right. Because I started to see him for who he was. He scammed his family, friends, and anyone he could...co-workers...anyone...my children even. But I am at fault too...I could have stopped it, but I just rode it out hoping it would change. But ppl never do...and I have always know that. Now I know it really well!

So..final papers have been presented. I will review them over and over...call my lawyer, make sure everything is dotted and crossed. And take my last breath and sign those papers and feel the weight fall off my shoulders!

And hopefully see him slowly disappear! It would be nice if it was that easy!